Summarize this content to 2000 words in 6 paragraphs Niro Feliciano is a mom, author and therapist with a master of science in social work. She’s a TODAY show contributor and author of the TODAY.com column “Is This Normal?”People pleaser? Takes one to know one. It is the past life of many therapists, including myself.Early on in my internship, when I had to point out an uncomfortable characteristic of a client, I avoided it for as long as possible. In my mind, they were there to feel better, and my gut told me making them uncomfortable would make them feel worse. In fact, I did many things in sessions to make them, or perhaps me, feel comfortable. Awkward silence? I would talk right through it. Argument at home? I would validate why my client was right. No wonder my patients felt so good after their sessions and loved me so much. I had perfected the art of people-pleasing.But this approach was far from encouraging the hard work of self-healing. That’s why you come to therapy, right? To do the work? Eventually, I learned I had to do the work myself first because back then I was doing a huge, red-flag disservice to my clients.What is considered people-pleasing?People-pleasing is the habit of pushing your needs to the side in order to take care of somebody else’s, often due to your own insecurities and an inherent need to be liked. Essentially, if you are someone who constantly finds yourself striving to meet other people’s needs in order to feel worthy and good while sacrificing your own, I’m talking about you.Behaviors that are considered people-pleasing may include struggling to say no, and when you do say no, always providing a lengthy explanation; apologizing excessively when you can’t meet someone’s need; and going to extreme lengths to avoid conflict.But people-pleasing isn’t always a bad thing! People-pleasers know better than anyone how to read a room. Who’s feeling angry, sad or frustrated? Our internal doppler directs us right to it, and we intuitively know how to diffuse those negative emotions. Empathy? We got it. Connecting with people? Check. That’s our wheelhouse, and people like us for it. All of these qualities prove to be incredible strengths in healthy relationships.Yet, we often give them until we feel depleted and resentful, and by the way, those who know this will take advantage of our boundaries (or lack thereof).Signs of people-pleasingHere are 10 signs you might be a people-pleaser.“No” is most difficult word in your vocabulary, and it makes you physically and mentally uncomfortable to say it.You apologize excessively, especially when you can’t meet a need.Because you want everyone to like you, you replay your conversations and criticize your responses.You avoid conflict like the plague.Delegation is not an option. You feel like you need to do most things for most people yourself.Self-care is a last priority on your list.Your schedule is packed, and you often feel too busy.External validation is of utmost importance.The idea of setting boundaries provokes anxiety, so you often dismiss it.You’ll inconvenience yourself in order to make things easier for others.What causes people-pleasing? Our environment and early relationships play a central role in making us who we are. For many of us who identify as people-pleasers, we grew up in situations where we felt valuable and loved when we met other people’s needs. For some, that meant love was conditional. We got it when we gave.I have also treated patients who developed these characteristics as a trauma response. When a parent struggles with anger, depression, anxiety or suicidal tendencies, children learn their behaviors can make a difference in how they receive love and that they can affect their parent in a way so that the environment feels peaceful. Pleasing is often connected to an anxious attachment style.To move past your people-pleasing tendencies, practice tolerating negative emotions in healthy environments.
In some environments, we learn that if we are quiet and obedient, we will be appreciated and loved more. We then internalize the message that our needs are not as important and should be subverted. Later in life, we may also learn that in order to fit in, we have to try to be like everyone else and must prioritize others’ preferences and needs above our own. In all of these situations, we have learned to avoid our own negative emotions. To move past your people-pleasing tendencies, practice tolerating those difficult feelings in healthy environments. The dangers of people-pleasingAlthough the people-pleasing life may feel normal to you, it comes at a high cost. Internalizing negative emotions while constantly feeling frustrated, resentful and tired will take a toll mentally and physically. We know from the research that people pleasers often are chronically stressed, and long term, this can translate to high levels of cortisol, inflammation and a decreased immune response, resulting in disease. People-pleasing can also harm our relationships. In addition to putting yourself last, you may start to see your partner as an extension of yourself and prioritize other, less important things over your relationship. On the flip side, if you feel like you need to earn love, you may become resentful of your partner because you’re giving disproportionately in the relationship. In parenting, pleasing has consequences when you try to make your children your friends and fail to discipline or set essential boundaries for their wellbeing.How to stop people-pleasingSelf-compassion, boundary setting and awareness of your own needs are key.Although people-pleasing is not your fault, it is your responsibility to do something about it if you want to live a healthier, more fulfilled life with relationships that are life-giving rather than life-draining. Self-compassion, boundary setting and awareness of your own needs are key.Here are a few small steps that can begin the process of healing:Practice saying no gracefully. Try: “Thank you for thinking of me, but I will not be able to attend this time,” or “I wish I could, but unfortunately won’t be able to.”Stop apologizing for things that are not your fault. Instead of, “Sorry I can’t make it,” try, “Thank you for understanding I can’t be there.”Ask yourself, “Is it worth it?” Do a cost-benefit analysis of what you’re taking on and the sacrifice to do it. Yes, I could go to the event, but I would be staying up late to get my work done and losing sleep.Schedule something on your calendar for self-care. Guard that time with your life and practice sitting with uncomfortable emotions when something comes up that you have to say no to.Validate yourself. Take a look at all you did well in a day. Write it down and compliment yourself as you would a friend.Delegate. What can someone else do that would help free up your time?Give yourself the grace you would a friend who says no to your request.
