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Raise a glass, a coup, a mug, or flute; National Cocktail Day is today, March 24.
The word cocktail, according to Saveur barroom historian David Wondrich, originated in the ginger suppositories given to horses before they were paraded for sale. A “cocked-up” tail was a surefire sign of a spirited animal and came to be used as a synonym for a strong drink that would similarly “spirit” a human being.
There you have it, folks, from the horses a– to your highball glass.
English playwright and unrepentant booze hound Ben Johnson urged, “Drink today, and drown all sorrow; you shall perhaps not do it tomorrow; best, while you have it, use your breath; there is no drinking after death.”
In honor of National Cocktail Day and the common cause of drowned sorrows and being spirited away from the gloom of the every day, we bring you a list of the zodiac signs as cocktails.
Bloody Mary
As the firstborn sign in the zodiac, Aries is drawn to blood sports and red hues and can usually be convinced to start firing off and drinking hard at brunch, making the Bloody Mary an appropriate cocktail for the ram contingent.
Mojito
The power color of Taurus is green; for creeping jealousy, fertile fields, emerald mines, overpriced succulents, cash money, and fresh mint. Bulls are predisposed to the Mojito for its hue, aggressive preparation, and taste, a combination of garden beds, melted popsicles, and early summer boob sweat.
Cosmopolitan
With their silver tongues, obscure knowledge, and rabbit hole curiosity, Gemini is a social lubricant. Ruled as they are by Mercury, the planet of communication and PR, it tracks that twins would get down and bottoms up with the Cosmopolitan, a martini made famous by “Sex and the City” and the drink of choice for talking s–t, spilling tea and comparing sexcapades and divorce attorneys.
Check out more of The Post’s food astrology content:
Margarita
Moon-ruled and moody AF, it tracks that a Cancer cocktail would contain notes of sour, sweet, and seriously salty.
In a bit of contested history, the Margarita is said to have been invented in El Paso in 1942 by bartender Pancho Morales during the high heat of Cancer season. Contrary to popular lore, Morales named the drink not after a woman but a flower. In a full circle or full tit coincidence, Cancer rules the mammary glands, and Morales went on to become the self-proclaimed, ‘Best Milkman In Texas,’
French 75
Ever looking for someone or something to celebrate, Leo is the champagne of the zodiac, a crucial component in this classic cocktail. In terms of the physical body, Leo rules the heart and, as such, is both deeply romantic and deeply dramatic. Fittingly, the French 75 rose to fame after a floozy ordered it in the sweeping love story/gin joint propaganda film “Casablanca.”
Whiskey Sour
Virgo loves anything vaguely medicinal, born of necessity and needing improvement; enter the seafaring Whiskey Sour. In the 16th century, the Spanish Navy began preserving lime juice in spirits to stave off scurvy and discourage mutiny, a citrus-spiked hooch that became the bitter foundation for the Whiskey Sour. Akin to their cocktail, the mood of a Virgo can often be gauged by the condemning arch of their eyebrows and/or a sour a– expression.
Mint Julep
The Mint Julep is practically a character itself in Libra F. Scott Fitzgerald’s literary and utterly Libran ode to excess, acting above your raising, doomed love and la dolce vita, ladies and gentlemen “The Great Gatsby.” Add to this that Libras LIVE for a themed party where they can place bets, get drunk, act fancy, and wear obnoxious, expensive hats, and the Mint Julep is the official cocktail of the Kentucky Derby.
Long Island Iced Tea
Rulers of the eight houses of sex, secrets, and secretions, Scorpio loves anything done under the table, in the shadows, or above the law. In kind, this cocktail is rumored to have been invented during prohibition. The drink contains no actual tea, fitting for Scorpios who reveal nothing about themselves but love when others spill their secrets, lapping it up like blood on a full moon.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the star
White Russian
There is perhaps no more quintessential Sagittarius protagonist than Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski, played by real-life archer and king among men, Mr. Jeff Bridges. A philosophical, truth-spouting, wayfare-wearing stoner prone to excess whose drink of choice is the boozy, tastes like a melted milkshake, White Russian.
Old Fashioned
Capricorn is ruled by stern Saturn and is synonymous with dad energy. As such, there is a top note of the traditionalist about these folks, making the Old Fashioned an apt choice.
According to my friend Blake, an Old Fashioned is also a euphemism for a hand job, and I’ve never met a Cap that wasn’t also an efficient, horny goat, so there you have it.
Vodka Martini
Aquarius has two planetary rulers, and the vodka martini, just two ingredients, and yet neither drink nor sign can be accused of simplicity.
The vodka martini is the official drink of international spies, and Aquarians are predisposed to espionage.
In Ernest Hemingway’s “A Farewell To Arms,” the narrator, Frederick Henry describes the experience of drinking martinis, “I had never tasted anything so cool and clean. They made me feel civilized…I sat on the high stool before the pleasant mahogany, the brass, and the mirrors and did not think at all.”
Cool, clean, civilized transcendence on a barstool? A benchmark for water bearers.
Mai Tai
Often decorated with the kind of fruit and f–kery that make it look like a drunken unicorn or sideways sea horse, the Mai Tai perfectly encompasses the Pisces spirit.
Emperors of excess it tracks that these booze hounds would be embodied by a drink that doubles down on liquor.
Escape from reality and into the warm womb of a dream state is the preferred pastime of Pisceans, and the Mai Tai smells like suntan lotion and tastes like a maraschino belly button.
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture, and personal experience. To book a reading, visit her website.
