The excerpt delves into a personal narrative of a woman raised in a Seventh-Day Adventist church school where strict teachings on sex and modesty were ingrained. The author reflects on the impact of these teachings on her understanding of sexuality, femininity, and empowerment. The emphasis on purity, virginity, and female appearance in relation to male desire created a culture of fear and shame around sexuality. Through a series of events, the author challenges these beliefs and explores her own sexuality, ultimately realizing the need to reclaim her body and pleasure.
The author recounts a pivotal moment in her high school years when she decides to pursue losing her virginity to a male exchange student. She strategically positions herself to catch his attention, but the outcome is not as expected. Despite her efforts, she finds herself approaching the exchange student outside of school at his workplace, ready to take the plunge into sexual exploration. The experience is marked by a sense of defiance and freedom as she sheds the constraints of her upbringing and embraces her own desires.
Following her first sexual encounter, the author reflects on the lack of guilt or shame she expected to feel. Instead, she experiences a sense of liberation and empowerment. However, she acknowledges that her subsequent experiences with sex lacked personal meaning and connection. The performance and appearance of sex became paramount, reflecting the objectification and depersonalization of her sexuality. Despite the church’s teachings being proven wrong, she struggles to find a sense of ownership and fulfillment in her sexual experiences.
Throughout her life, the author grapples with fitting herself to men, seeking validation and worth through the lens of others. However, a chance encounter with a woman at a football game marks a turning point in her journey. She finds herself drawn to this woman in ways she had not expected, leading her to question her previous notions of sexuality and relationships. Embracing this new discovery, she chooses to explore the connection without rushing into physical intimacy, signaling a shift towards self-discovery and acceptance.
In retrospect, the author recognizes the fear instilled by her upbringing regarding female autonomy and sexual agency. The teachings aimed to control and suppress these aspects of women, denying them the full experience of their bodies and desires. Through her evolving understanding of sexuality and pleasure, she asserts the importance of women claiming their bodies and embracing their sexuality without shame or restrictions. The journey towards self-discovery and empowerment unfolds as she navigates new possibilities and experiences, shedding the confines of past teachings and societal expectations. Through her narrative, she highlights the importance of embracing personal agency and embracing one’s own desires and pleasure.
