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DEAR ABBY: I am a mental health therapist, and one of my favorite things to do is to read about people’s experiences. Part of that is reading advice columns such as yours. More than once, a person has written about being a part of an open relationship (I’m talking about consensual situations). Your negative bias and judgment always come through in a way that makes me think you are not really giving the best feedback.
Overall, I prefer monogamous one-on-one relationships. Granted, I know life can be complicated, and what happens between two or three (or more) consulting adults is not something to sneer at. I suggest you reflect on your bias and judgment for people who live differently than you.
Of course, sometimes I read about people who are rude and clueless, and you put them in their place. However, these situations — open relationships — I think are really outside your comfort zone to be preaching about. Do more research and grow more compassion, please, Abby. — MORE OPEN-MINDED IN ARIZONA
DEAR OPEN-MINDED: You are correct. I do have a bias against open relationships. I do not, however, lack compassion. I feel the way I do because I have seen and learned from readers that these relationships are often not as “free-willed” as some would like to think.
Sometimes the recessive partner feels coerced by the dominant one. I have also heard from those who tried it and ended up losing their spouse. While some open relationships are successful, the people I hear from are usually the ones who are hurting, which has also influenced my feelings on this subject.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I rent half of my sister and brother-in-law’s house. They live in the front part; we live in the back. We have our own separate kitchen and bathroom, though we must go outside and around the corner and then reenter to use it.
We went on vacation for a month. While we were gone, my brother-in-law was supposed to remodel our kitchen and bathroom and be done by the time we got back. Four months later, nothing is ready to use. They told us we could use their kitchen and dedicated one of the inside bathrooms for us. Using their kitchen never worked for us, and my wife is always uncomfortable going into their part of the house.
Because of the inconvenience, my brother-in-law reduced our rent by half, and we were good with this. We mostly communicate by texting. He now claims he will be done next month, but I’m not so sure. Regardless, he now wants to raise our rent to approximately 75% of the “usual” instead of half. What do you think of this? — INCONVENIENCED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR INCONVENIENCED: I think that, because your brother-in-law is unreliable, you should pay the increase in rent upon completion of the promised remodel and not before.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
